Growing up, we all learn over our formative years how to be agreeable.
We fight it as toddlers, mastering the word “No” while we test our boundaries. But by the team we’ve reached our cubicle destination, we’ve forgotten the incredibly powerful skill: How to say NO.
Think about the last time you turned down a promotion, a job offer, an engagement proposal, or even a free lunch. Pretty rare, right? Most of the time we choose to accept what’s put in front of us, without considering the “No” path.
I’ve become a firm believer in the power of saying nay. Not just because I’m a smug, smart-ass who’s apt to preach about money and early retirement. It’s because saying “No” has allowed me to become a more confident smug smart-ass. I’ll explain.
It’s Easy to Get Overcommitted
When I first discovered that there existed a viable path to early retirement, it changed everything for me. I stopped obsessing over the corporate ladder climb. The first taste of freedom, really, when you don’t feel shackled to the pressure to advance.
Within a year of finishing a major project that was a pretty big success, I was offered my first crack at promotion. Guess what? I turned it down. I knew that if I took that job, I’d be miserable. Expectations ratchet up quick at the next level. And I quite enjoy spending time with my family.
Now, I knew that this meant foregoing a pay raise and the prestige that comes with advancing up the food chain. But I didn’t need to think about it too long. Sure, my boss was surprised, but she supported my decision.
She respected my declining her offer so much, I got the biggest raise and bonus to that point in my career, later that same year. I think mastery of my job had something to do with that.
Mastering How and When to Say No
I’d got to the point where I could handle just about anything thrown my way, and avoid pitfalls (a euphemism for trips to the principal’s office.) The next level at my job would’ve brought on a dumpster full of corporate political waste. I didn’t want to dive into that.
I suppose you could make an analogy to sports with this idea. If you’re a good relief pitcher, would it be wise to take a starting pitcher’s role?
You could end up being a fantastic starter.
Usually, though, you’ve mastered the art of getting out of jambs and slinging it hard for just a few innings to close out the game.
And that’s my plan. I intend to close out the cubicle game by staying put. I’ll work hard and deliver with pride, but I’m not going out of my way to sell myself as a spit-shined upper-tier middle-manager.
Mastery of my current role evolved through a combination of experience and a willingness to change. Keep that in mind if you’re curious about succeeding in your job. Experience is certainly important, but if you’re not willing to change, forget about it.
Knowing When to Commit
Repeat after me, “I, avid reader of www.abandonedcubicle.com, hereby agree to say ‘Yes’ to any new corporate directives on process and culture changes.”
Businesses die when they refuse to change. Similarly, careers die when people put up a fuss and throw fits about the latest “new thing” foisted upon them.
You know what? Suck it up. Be the tip of the spear. Nobody gives a crap about the great job you did five years ago when process X was all the rage. You now need to get with process Y and Z. A bad attitude is the last thing you want to bring into the office with you.
Self-control is probably the key common trait among financially savvy people. We can forego an indulgence today to reap rewards later. You might think this is headed towards a sermon on minimalism or the art of deprivation. It’s not.
In fact, among the super savvy financial independent segment, there’s a shared belief that indulgences are fleeting. Subtraction by addition.
That fancy car, jet ski, or house is just a temporary buzz that soon yields to regret and the sucking sound of a vacuum that Dysons your dollars down the toilet.
I’m in a situation now where I feel I’m not saying “nyet!” enough to happy hours. I love to hang out with my friends and it seems this time of year leading up to the holidays is crammed full of opportunities to hit the bars. And the way work has been lately, a few beers sure sounds tempting.
My new challenge to myself is to moderate. I can’t just be a cheap hermit. Nothing wrong with just one drink maybe once every two weeks on average, but I have to nurse that thing and get out of there before the orders of wings and nachos get put in.
Nothing like coming home with a lead weight of happy hour in your belly to try to sleep through. UGH.
Committed to happy hour
How to Say No to a Bad Relationship
This where it’s easy to get into trouble. Whether it’s a friend, a girlfriend or boyfriend, spouse, or a boss, bad relationships can mess things up for you a lot quicker than almost anything else on the menu.
There have been instances in my life where I’ve had to let go of friendships that have turned south. Those relationships simply didn’t bring me joy, and often brought me down. Part of me wonders if I’ve done that to others over the years, and it makes me strive to be a more positive presence today.
Where saying “No” can be challenging is when it comes to situations like a current boss who is a bully or just plain someone you don’t get along with. In my career, I’ve had a few of those and each time I eventually got up and left.
Looking back, I probably should’ve taken action sooner, but eventually, I did what was best for me. I’m fortunate to have had a couple of great bosses most recently.
The last thing you need is to feel trapped in a bad situation. This happens all too often in work and home relationships. Many if not most of the early retirement bloggers in my observation have pretty solid relationships going for them. And that’s key for hitting big financial goals.
Determine Your Boundaries and Don’t Apologize for Them!
In general, I’m a pretty positive, say “Yes!” kind of guy. So don’t get the wrong impression from this post. But there are times throughout my life when simply turning down an offer has opened up new and better opportunities.
That promotion I mentioned earlier? Within a few months after that one, I was presented with another, on another team in my company. You could probably guess what I did. Yep, I said “No.” And if you’re wondering, I haven’t regretted it since.
I’m curious to know what you, fine readers, have said “No” to lately, or at any point in your life. Please share in the comments below. A little introspection on a Thursday could be the tonic you need after all that Cyber-Monday shopping?
A fine read on this topic appears over on LifeHack.org, in the article, The Gentle Art of Saying No, by Leo Babauta.
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Good Morning Cubert! This is a very well done article! Did you know that I wrote a very similar post in one of the first few posts on my blog? I love this concept. It’s almost like life is a slippery slope tilted towards yes. I like the categories you chose too – career and relationships and the cautionary note on when to say yes. I think my biggest no to date has been my childhood best friend. At some point the relationship just turned toxic and I knew it wasn’t helping me move forward. It was tough, and people still ask me what happened (I didnt exactly broadcast this) but I’ve definitely grown in a better direction after this.
Almost forgot to mention.If you like snorkeling and are comfortable with it, try scuba! Its incredible.
Dude. I’m claustrophobic. I think I’d hyperventilate if I tried scuba! Maybe, one day, while on Valium…
Yeah its not for everybody. But for me, I get a feeling of complete freedom because the regulator (that thing in your mouth) has its own source of air. So its like you’re invincible and you can go anywhere.
Hey there, HM! I’ll have to give yours a read. Funny, every time I think I’ve hit upon a new concept, it turns out it’s been covered before. I shouldn’t be surprised considering the size and strength of our FIRE community. A lot of good minds producing thoughtful stuff!
I think I can relate on the friendship front. Although mine is from an adulthood friendship. Sometimes politics can be quite a divider, sadly.
Hahah, well I think it’s ok to repeat topics. Not if you are blatantly copying of course. But when I was in grad school I used to read several books at a time to pick up a concept. Sometimes I would only read one sentence from a book. But each author says things differently and each reader gets it slightly differently.
I did, sadly, have that adult relationship problem too. Its tough, and getting worse right now too.
For some reason, I am certain that your parents are extremely proud of you! You have a great head on your shoulders and will be a great role model for your kids.
Thanks, Susan! I can attest to having some pretty darn awesome parents. 🙂
Not sure if this counts but I’ll share anyway!
The place I’m consulting offered me a full time gig a few weeks ago. I like working here (despite the horrendous commute) but I was not happy with the salary they offered and I wasn’t happy with the title they wanted to give me. I said no, and told them exactly what I’d need to even consider coming on board.
Extremely happy with that. I make more consulting, and while there are definitely other perks to going full time, I just wasn’t comfortable saying yes to something for the security when I feel confident in what I can earn (and do).
That’s a great example, Dave. I know of more than a handful of colleagues in similar shoes as yours. Why make the jump unless there’s a very good reason? Hopefully some smart hiring manager will make you an offer more up to par soon.
So very true. There are plenty of times when he best answer is no and culturally were predisposed to say yes. I’m on the other end of your equation, usually bringing the change that others have to make. But even so I have to say no to ensure I don’t end up with an unusable change because of bad inputs. It truly is universal.
Good point. Sometimes the change itself is questionable and you need to consider how “all in” you are with accepting it. From a work context, the latest and greatest fads come and go. The willingness to adapt with a curious mindset sets one apart from the crowd. No matter how badly conceived the change turns out to be later on…
Well said! Here is my favorite personal “NO” story:
Started a new job with a great boss. Like me, an engineer, and who also had an MBA. He kindly encouraged me to do the same, as the company would fully reimburse for the MBA. The school had an excellent reputation, and many years later my older son got his MBA at the same school.
But I had this terrible itch to start my own engineering consulting firm. Not yet FI (financially independent,) I was seeking OI (occupational independence.) BTW, the OI soon led to FI. It also led to LI (location independence.) Funny how those things work out.
Back to the story. After one class, which I enjoyed, it was apparent my fellow students were primarily interested in climbing the corporate ladder. I was not. So I said “NO” to the MBA, and devoted my time to learning how to start my own firm while beginning to build a client base through moonlighting. (BTW, I was VERY careful to avoid conflicts of interest.)
Three years later, about the time I would have received the MBA, I hung out my consulting shingle. That was 30 years ago, and I NEVER regretted saying NO the the MBA. Instead, I said YES to what I wanted to do. Not only satisfying, it has been financially quite rewarding.
Finally, this is not a knock on MBAs or any other advanced degrees. Just make sure they will take you where you want to go. And don’t be afraid to say NO.
PS to Cubert – You have given me inspiration for a blog post for aspiring consultants — thanks! Look forward to coffee again when we get back to MN in the spring. (For 20 years , LI has meant winters in AZ and summers in MN – another bonus of saying NO.)
Wow! Great story, Daryl. Thanks for sharing! I’m glad this gave you inspiration. You’ll have to let me know when you’ve published your post. And yes, coffee is on me next time!
Well done Cube!
I think from a perspective of the 18-30 crowd, learning to say no to social situations and friends, or what everyone else is “doing” can save a lot of wasted income.
I have friends who have so much trouble just saying no. It is really not hard, in fact no is shorter then yes 🙂
Keep up the good writing!!
Thanks, Josh. Appreciate the kind words, as always! Great perspective on the problems we face in our younger years. Peer pressure is overwhelming at times. We often say “yes” of course to fit in, and sometimes that leads to crummy financial decisions.
I early retired 2 years ago and there have been three times I’ve said no since I left my 9to5. All three have been full time job offers, one for three times my very best year of compensation. It only took me 15 seconds to say no to that massive annual salary. Which tells me being FIRE is worth more than that to me. Once you have all you need, more has no value.
Hey Steve! Always good to see you here. That is super impressive, turning down 3X your best pay ever?!? Kudos to you. That is a very powerful “NO!”
Great post! I just got done a book called “Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less” Awesome read and I highly recommend. He discusses at length why you should say ‘no’ more often, especially in your job.
Very cool, AF. I will put that one on my library list. If only I could finish reading “A Year in Provence” Sad.. It’s such a short book too…
Hahaha – thanks so much for the good laugh referencing toddlers and the word NO! I think that is one reason I dislike the word no so much – because I hear it 435987346589347 times a day from my toddler.
I turned down that promotion opportunity a few months ago, and guess what? Wouldn’t ya know another one pops up again this week. Eeks! This one is a bit different than the one before, and checking many more temptation boxes. Luckily, I have the opportunity to visit this office next week and am personally meeting with a few of the managers. Great way for me to check out what they’re all about, and vice versa! So we shall see very sooooon.
Oh – and as far as the happy hours, just say no man! Pick up some offsale and head home to, “Write drunk, edit sober.” Or “Write tipsy, edit with coffee.” 😉
Why, you’re welcome, Mrs. DS! Toddlers are the best example for what we should all strive for, right?!? No. No. No. No!
Good luck with your newest promotion opportunity. At some point, the pieces add up, and you can take the plunge.
The happy hour suggestion is a good one, but then, I’m a 5AM morning writer!!
Hey Cubert,
This is something that I caught onto only about three years ago and am still working on it today. It feels like such a releif to be honest with yourself on what you want and then say no to the other things in life. To many people think they have to do things a certain way or be a certain people but the reality is….you can always say no!
I can certainly appreciate that, DM. I have a feeling it’ll be just as difficult decades down the road for me when my kids are in need of “something.”
Hey Cubert! I think that there can be a lot of social pressure on the “little nos” you mention, like the happy hours. It’s easy to feel like you have to say “yes” to be part of the group, but too many yeses can really absorb your time and money. That’s where it comes up for me the most, on a day-to-day basis. I try to say “yes” on the weekends and on special occasions, but “no” when it would really throw a wrench in my plans to get stuff done.
On a bigger scale, I think too much people-pleasing and not knowing to say “no” is one of the things that keeps so many people so over-scheduled and exhausted.
For sure! Happy hours are a big one, especially as we’re in the holiday season.
People-pleasing is a big part of this. I suppose it could come down to whether you prefer to keep a close-knit circle of a few friends, vs. having an entourage. Much easier to say “no” when there are fewer invites. 🙂