Are all BMW drivers assholes? Let’s see if we can answer that profound question in a special Tuesday Rant, shall we? Oh, and disclaimer, I hate driving. I’d prefer to be riding my bike, but you know what, last night was softball night, and the team needed me there on time. Let’s just call this a scientific observation experiment..
So I’m on my way to the play fields, working my way deftly through traffic. Conditions are fine. Sun is shining, no potholes or random deer crossings. No cycling brethren on their bicycles getting in my way.
Then, I attempt to make a lane change from the right side of the road to the left, so I can get into the bloody left turn lane…
Thinking I’d made the lane change without incident, my rear view mirror reveals a fancy blue BMW coupe, complete with asshole driver. That beast came right up on my tail faster than a fly zipping over to fresh cow $hit in rural Wisconsin.
Apparently my new friend could’ve cared less about my need to change lanes. While still kissing my rear bumper with his front, he flashed his headlights, honked his horn, and sped away at 60 MPH in the 35 MPH zone. “What an asshole!” I thought, as I yelled out “ASSHOLE!”, while sticking my middle finger way, way up in the air…
BMW Driver Avoidance 101
Needless to say, I made that left turn. The thing I’m not so proud of is how I reacted to the situation. Cubert flipped his mild-mannered lid. The BMW serenade of a honking little Beemer horn will do that to you.
Did I mention how lovely a BMW coupe’s horn sounds? It sounds like precision German engineered luxury: a cat strangulation in the key of Beethoven. More or less…
I’m guessing some of you fine readers can relate to this situation. It certainly doesn’t have to be a BMW, though 92.5% of the time it’s a BMW.
I found myself in that little place of road-rage anger that thankfully lasts just a couple of seconds when it does happen. Those are precious seconds when you need to decide whether to act on your aggression, or do the smart thing and just leave it at flipping the bird to your newfound BMW-driving friend.
Still, the adrenaline keeps flowing. You’re all jazzed up. I guess I finally felt more relaxed after making that left turn 30 or so seconds later. But man. I was really hoping to reserve some of that adrenaline for softball. (The men’s team I joined came from a church that doesn’t abide drinking. So, there’d be no beer at this double header. Talk about insult to injury!)
BMW Drivers ARE Assholes. Research Backs it Up
In case you’re wondering how I know for a fact that BMW drivers are assholes, you can see for yourself here. I mean, I didn’t need The Wall Street Journal to tell me what I already knew. But if you’re the type who’s skeptical, or, you don’t live in a part of the country with BMWs, it’s worth the read. We can even pinpoint Blue-colored BMWs as the harbingers of the apocalypse. ( euphemism for “jerks”.)
Fascinating stuff. Who knew you could tell the kind of person by the car he or she drives? I think Mr. Money Mustache often alludes to this phenomenon, particularly with pick up trucks. At least with that situation, we know quite clearly the psychology behind monster vanity trucks and compensating for x, y, or wee-wee.
How to Survive in a World Filled with Assholes
The first thing we can do is boycott BMW purchases. Chances are, if you’re reading this blog and its sister blogs in the financial-independence-early-retirement canon, You’re not a BMW owner. Congrats! You’re helping society avoid unnecessary encounters with douchebags.
The second thing we can do is to boycott BMW drivers themselves. That’s right. If your dearly beloved, mother, or father, or close friend drives a Beemer, well, sorry. They say you can’t pick your family or your friends, but in this case, you might have to, for the betterment of society.
If you need an incentive to get a loved one to switch vehicles, suggest a trade in for a used Honda Fit. Works EVERY TIME. Check Reddit. It’s in there.
The third thing we can do is to write to our representatives in Washington D.C. Inform them that you will not vote for them if they don’t bring a bill to the floor for debate on a “BMW Drivers Luxury Tax”. They need to hash this out in a public forum.
That’s what we pay these guys for. Chances are better than ever with the current administration, that an import tariff could be levied, one that’d put a significant dent in the whole Bavarian plot.
Cars That Don’t Have Jerks Behind the Wheel
Once I settled down from my little run in with exhibit a-hole “A”, I began to wonder, what was the opposite of the nefarious blue BMW? A little research led to these five makes and models:
- Buick Encore (Grandma and Grandpa are comin’ to visit!)
- Lexus IS 350 (I’m beginning to wonder about the validity of this survey…)
- Acura ILX (A car Jim Halpert from The Office might drive, after his first promotion)
- Cadillac ATS (Grandma and Grandpa just got an inheritance!)
- Chevrolet Express (A full-sized van. The kind of vehicle with foul play going on in the back. No wonder this thing avoids any trouble on the road.)
Maybe if our blue BMW drivers simply traded in for a Lexus IS 350, all our problems would be solved? Short of that, we could abduct said driver, and throw him or her in the back of the Chevy Express.
Finding Peace In a World Filled With Fast Cars
Deep-breathing exercises can really help. Yoga is good. Riding your bike in a town without blue BMWs is peaceful. I suppose you could just stay home too, if walking is out of the question. Public transportation might be an option, but I’ve seen these jerks cut off city buses too.
At any rate, find your inner chi and harness the powers of early retirement bliss. Remember that you have just a few short years to go before you can opt-out of commuting altogether.
As for the BMW drivers themselves? What can they do to rehabilitate their bad behavior? Now that I’ve calmed down a few degrees since starting to hammer in this post on my poor keyboard, I have some rational ideas.
- Trade in their car (the obvious choice, already mentioned)
- Move to a town where mass transit is available (Boston, New York, San Francisco, Chicago, etc.)
- Get therapy (should be first on the list, but remember, I’ve calmed down some)
- Ride their bike (show your kids you can pedal just as wickedly on a bike as you can press down on that accelerator pedal!)
- Drive their BMW off a cliff. My preferred choice. They just need to remember to jump out at the very last second. I hear the experience is quite rewarding, especially if you left your little blue coupe with a full tank of gas…
That’s all for today, my friends. If ever we meet, and you own a BMW, please park in back. And by all means, leave a comment if I owe you an apology. But if you’re an asshole, not much I can do about THAT.