Are all BMW drivers assholes? Let’s see if we can answer that profound question in a special Tuesday Rant, shall we? Oh, and disclaimer, I hate driving. I’d prefer to be riding my bike, but you know what, last night was softball night, and the team needed me there on time. Let’s just call this a scientific observation experiment..
So I’m on my way to the play fields, working my way deftly through traffic. Conditions are fine. Sun is shining, no potholes or random deer crossings. No cycling brethren on their bicycles getting in my way. Then, I attempt to make a lane change from the right side of the road to the left, in order to make the left-turn I need to take…
When out of the blue
Having made the lane change without incident, I look in my rear view mirror and spot a sharp-looking, blue, sparklyish BMW, complete with prick driver, coming right up quick on my six. Sadly, I had to slow down in order to get just one more lane over to get into the left turn lane.
Apparently my new friend in his exquisite coupe could’ve cared less about my need to change lanes. While still kissing my rear bumper with his front, he flashed his headlights, honked his horn, and sped away at 60 MPH in the 35 MPH zone. “ASSHOLE!” I shouted, while sticking my middle finger way, way up in air…
BMW Drivers – Asshole Avoidance
Needless to say, I made that left turn. The thing I’m not so proud of is how I reacted to the situation. Cubert flipped his mild-mannered lid. The BMW serenade of a honking little Beemie horn will do that to you.
Did I mention how lovely a BMW coupe’s horn sounds? It truly sounds like German engineered luxury, in the key of Beethoven, in case you didn’t know.
I’m further happy to say we split our men’s-league double header. Yours truly made a few clutch fielding plays and even made contact at the plate a few times (grounders, but I ran hard to first, most of the time.)
So, how did that make you feel?
I’m guessing most of you fine readers can relate to this situation. It certainly doesn’t have to be a BMW at fault, although 92.5% of the time that truly is the case. For me, I found myself in that little place of anger that borders on rage, but thankfully, that journey lasts just a couple of seconds. Long enough to extend a “f*ck you” sort of message to a newfound BMW-driving friend.
A few seconds pass, then a few more, and you’re all jazzed up still. I guess I finally felt more relaxed after making that left turn 30 or so seconds later. But man. I was really hoping to reserve some of that adrenaline for serious prime time softball.
BMW Drivers ARE Assholes. Research Backs it Up
In case you’re wondering how I know for a fact that BMW drivers are assholes, you can see for yourself here. I mean, I didn’t need the Wall Street Journal to tell me what I already knew. But if you’re the type who’s skeptical, or, you don’t live in a part of the country with BMWs, it’s worth the read. We can even pinpoint Blue-colored BMWs as the harbingers of the apocalypse. (“harbingers of the apocalypse” is a euphemism for “jerks” in this context.)
Fascinating stuff. Who knew you could tell the kind of person by the car he or she drives? I think Mr. Money Mustache often alludes to this phenomenon, particularly with pick up trucks. At least with that situation, we know quite clearly the psychology behind monster vanity trucks and compensating for x, y, or wee-wee.
What can we do to survive this plague of assholery?
The first thing we can do is boycott BMW purchases. Chances are, if you’re reading this blog and its sister blogs in the financial-independence-early-retirement canon, You’re not a BMW owner. Congrats! You’re helping society avoid unnecessary encounters with douche bags.
The second thing we can do is to boycott BMW drivers themselves. That’s right. If your dearly beloved, mother, or father, or close friend drives a Beemer, well, sorry. They say you can’t pick your family or your friends, but in this case, you might have to, for the betterment of society.
If you need an incentive to get a loved one to switch vehicles, suggest a trade in for a used Honda Fit. Works EVERY TIME. Check Reddit. It’s in there.
The third thing we can do is to write to our representatives in Washington D.C. Inform them that you will not vote for them if they don’t bring a bill to the floor for debate on a “BMW Drivers Luxury Tax”. They need to hash this out in a public forum.
That’s what we pay these guys for. Chances are better than ever with the current administration, that an import tariff could be levied, one that’d put a significant dent in the whole Bavarian plot.
Cars that don’t have pricks behind the wheel
Once I settled down from my little run in with exhibit prick “A”, I began to wonder, what was the opposite of the nefarious blue BMW? A little research led to these five makes and models:
- Buick Encore (Grandma and Grandpa are comin’ to visit!)
- Lexus IS 350 (I’m beginning to wonder about the validity of this survey…)
- Acura ILX (A car Jim Halpert from “The Office” might drive, after his first promotion)
- Cadillac ATS (Grandma and Grandpa just got an inheritance!)
- Chevrolet Express (A full-sized van. The kind of vehicle with foul play going on in the back. No wonder this thing avoids any trouble on the road.)
Maybe if our blue BMW drivers simply traded in for a Lexus IS 350, all our problems would be solved? Short of that, we could abduct said driver, and throw him or her in the back of the Chevy Express.
Deep-breathing exercises can really help. Yoga is good. Riding your bike in a town without blue BMWs is peaceful. I suppose you could just stay home too, if walking is out of the question. Public transportation might be an option, but I’ve seen these f*ckers cut off city buses too.
At any rate, find your inner chi and harness the powers of early retirement bliss. Remember that you have just a few short years to go before you can opt-out of commuting altogether.
As for the BMW drivers themselves? What can they do to rehabilitate their bad behavior? Now that I’ve calmed down a few degrees since starting to hammer in this post on my poor keyboard, I have some rational ideas.
- Trade in their car (the obvious chose, already mentioned)
- Move to a town where mass transit is available (Boston, New York, San Fransisco, Chicago, etc.)
- Get therapy (should be first on the list, but remember, I’ve calmed down some)
- Ride their bike (show your kids you can pedal just as wicked-mean on a bike as you can press down on that accelerator pedal!)
- Drive their BMW off a cliff. My preferred choice. They just remember to jump out at the very last second. I hear the experience is quite rewarding, especially if you left your little Lucy with a full tank of gas. Kaboom!
That’s all for today, my friends. If ever we meet, and you own a BMW, please park in back. And by all means, leave a comment if I owe you an apology. But if you’re an asshole, not much I can do about THAT.